How to handle emotional and physical abuse

It is important to distinguish between what we are thinking in our mind, and what kinds of actions we are taking. When we say that people in our lives are our mirrors, this refers only to our mind, not to their actions: When we witness lack of respect, obnoxiousness and even violence in our surroundings including the media, we can learn to recognize and remember that we ourselves also carry these qualities within our mind. Even if we may not act violently towards other people, we all have moments when we think unkind and hateful thoughts about ourselves and others. Some of us are more aware of it than others, and some have more control over it than others. Some individuals or groups choose to express that hatred in violent actions, while others choose not to do so. But internally, in our thoughts, we are all violent every day! If you're not sure if that applies to you, just remember when the last time you judged someone was. Judging oneself or others is just one example of hatred and violence. It is therefore safe to say that we are all the same within that realm of fear based thinking. Fear based, because all violence (anger, hatred, etc.) come out of fear, out of the unconscious belief that we are bad, that we are separated from the Divine. This is the root cause of all painful thoughts and behaviours. Once we understand this, we cannot be angry at anyone anymore, because we can recognize this same belief in ourselves.

And now, to make the picture complete, let's not forget that in reality we are equally all the same: We are all divine, a part of God/Source/Creator, we are all immortal spirit which, in this body, feels like deep silence, peace, kindness and complete acceptance of all that is. In this part we are joy, love and light. You could say we are all angels!

Let's say we have one or more family members who are aggressive and abusive with each other, or one person abusing another one. What attitude would be best to adopt? We always have a choice: A choice to react in anger, or to react with understanding and peace. If we explode in anger and insult the person, we give in to the fight-response from our autonomous nervous system which acts before we can even think. Tens of thousands of years ago it was suited to save our lives in case we got attacked by a wild animal. But this is not the case anymore - yet still, "it" acts like that, unless we intervene willingly. If we let ourselves explode, we are doing exactly the same as the person we are blaming, adding to the violence without resolving anything.

On the other hand, if we choose to understand that the person is acting agressively out of fear, not because s/he is bad, then we can remain calm and take appropriate action to stop the harmful behaviour. we may remain calm and stop them in their harmful action by whatever words we may use: We might tell them to stop, or we may leave the room until they calm down, or do anything that feels appropriate in the moment. We might even call the police if the person harms another one. In other words, we take appropriate actions without needing to become angry ourselves. Later, when we have more time to think, we will discover that the aggressor must have felt very fearful at the moment, otherwise they would not have behaved in an abusive manner. And that's the reason why abusive behaviour can be understood as a call for help, a call for love.

All violence and viciousness come from unconscious fears of being threatened or not good enough in some way. It's absurd to think that murderers are actually terrified beings, but that's really the case. Can't we all remember moments when we felt scared, and how awful that felt? It's not different for these people who behave violently towards others. We are never saying it is o.k. to harm others, we are saying we can understand people when they do it, because we ourselves do it as well, even if it's only in our mind.

In sum, it is fear which causes us to behave in hurtful ways, and it is our understanding of that which helps us prevent further hurt.

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Marlise Witschi, M.Psych., Alternative Counsellor, is the founder of YourHealingWay, a psycho-spiritual system to heal yourself, your relationships, your business and your life. You may sign up for my free audio healing session at: www.internalfreedom.com.